The damnedest cold man ever caught

I have a cold. A very bad cold. As I walk up to my office on Delhi's Barakhamba Road, I see a man blissfully asleep on the sidewalk.

My nose is very very red. His isn't.

I don't usually feel like switching places with sleeping vagrants but today I wished I was lying spread-eagled there, dreaming of God-knows-what but dreaming nevertheless.

I had slept little the previous night, sniffling and coughing in what seemed like a tic-tac-toe contest between my nose and my mouth. My nose won.

And when the alarm rang this morning, my body said to me -- "Hey dude! There's no way you are getting out of bed."

But I had to. I had taken a day off on Friday, hoping to recover fully over the weekend. And here I was on Monday, still clutching my sore throat and dripping mucus all over a soggy handkerchief.

You know what hurts most. When a woman catches a cold, notice how everyone is nice to her.

"Go home to your nest,
My remedy is the best,
Two teaspoons of honey,
Steaming tea, plenty of rest,
And wake up bright and sunny."

As a man, I am supposed to possess stoicism in Spartan proportions.

"Get over it, do you see X complaining?
He broke his wrist and he's not squealing."

No one really understands -- until they catch a cold themselves. Wait a minute. That's a good idea. I can infect someone and smile a wry smile when they run out of tissues.

But then it's just microbes on the rampage. A week later, they will tire and move on to the next victim. Life comes full circle and I may be infected again.

I wish someone could find a cure for the common cold. What good is a Nobel Prize if you can't rid mankind of this wretched malady.

Go Mr Scientist, go seek nirvana among your stem cells and cloned canines. I love dogs but what good is a hairy poodle to me? Especially when I bury my nose in a handkerchief and can't play fetch with the puppy.

To sneeze or not to sneeze? That is the question. When the boss is speaking on the other line, there you are, staring at the tip of your snout, waiting for the inevitable -- Atichoo!

The deed is done. No one cares.

No one ever cared, except for Ogden Nash in The Common Cold
...
By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

...
Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

India Blog Mela - January 2009

Falstaff is telling a tale - The Further Adventures of Hark! DaButt.

Greatbong reviews Rajesh Khanna's comeback film.

Ramalinga Raju to star in new film 'Millionaire Slumdog'. Anand Ramachandran has the details.

The Infinite Monkey 2.0 has a go at 2008. Krish Ashok tells you how.

Yossarian is reading readers on the Tube.

Shekhar Kapur talks about Rahman and the Oscars.

Annie Zaidi hasn't forgotten.

Twisted DNA had to contend with Pablo Peecassos.

XX Factor has switched on her gaydar.

Dilip D'Souza has to be really old. His wife was born in 1899. Or was she?

That's all for now. The February 2009 Blog Mela returns early next month. But before leaving, do please vote for the best post in the January 2009 Blog Mela.



Did you just come across a quirky, interesting or something-that-tugs-at-your-heartstrings blog? If yes, feel free to nominate it for the February 2009 Blog Mela being hosted here on March 2.

How to Nominate
- Leave a comment on this post OR better still - Mail me at toeknee (at) gmail (dot) com


RULES
- Posts must have been written by Indians or have an Indian angle
- Only posts published between 1-28 February 2009 would be accepted
- If possible, please nominate individual posts, not the whole blog
- Feel free to nominate something you have written. Immodesty appreciated
- You can nominate as many blog posts as you like - provided you really like them
- Only nominations received before midnight on March 2 stand a chance to be featured in the Top 10 list
- No, you don't get any moolah for nominating or getting featured in the Blog Mela. That could change once I am a millionaire but for now you'll just have to bear with me
- Yours truly reserves the right to nominate good posts which you ignore

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Shilpa Shetty is picking up some Chinese

But Shilpa Shetty still can't pronounce her Chinese co-star's name. Shilpa, who's working with Xia Yu in the film "The Desire" dreads calling out his name on the sets -- lest she gets it wrong.

"It invariably was wrong, the exact pronunciation being S(h)iya Yeoh! which means "summer rain." Sweet! The director addressed him as Sha Wu which meant "Afternoon", Sha Yu, which meant "Oil" and many more interpretations with different christenings."

And Shilpa's proud of the film (there are plans to show it at Cannes).

"For a change the international audiences will get to see more than just SLUMS, filth and an unhygienic environment and will see the deep rooted culture and beauty of India."

Did you hear that, Mr Danny Boyle?

More on Shilpa's blog.

Americans are not stupid -- a CNNNN video