A day in the life of an MTV Roadie

Wake up. Fight for the loo. Bitch a little

Indulge in 'My dad owns a Mercedes' and yours is a 'low-class sabziwala' chat

If you are from Delhi, flaunt your Stephenian background. If you are from anywhere else, gang up against elitist Delhites.

Ensure your place in the limelight by mouthing the F-word or local Gen-X adaptations every two minutes.

(Who cares if your parents have called everyone in their neighbourhood to watch their beloved child make his/her TV debut)

When allotted a task, ensure you get the easy part but make sure it seems like you did all the hard work

If asked to play tennis and you don't win a point, assume indifference or say 'The ball was too fast'

Have fun driving bikes across India. Once in a while, cause an accident and get injured. If you are smart, you get sympathy. If you are not, you get all the flak

Assume expression of disgust when asked to shit in a ditch as part of once-in-a-while tough Roadie antics.

At impromptu quizzes, don't be ashamed if you answered 'Sushma' when asked to name India's president

Be prepared to play strip-poker. Just ensure you wear enough articles of clothing to last you 20 rounds

Rat out your teammates' secrets - Girl4 enhances her bust with pads, Boy2 referred to Girl5 as a prostitute.

If not privy to secrets, invent some.

If you don't have reasons to hate someone, invent some more - "Girl3 is too manly and flat-chested, I can't be friends with her".

At vote-outs, betray your 'friends' to ensure you remain in the race. When confronted, repeat with straight face - 'It's all part of the game'.

SOME TIPS
If you are a boy, flirt with Girl1 to make Girl2 jealous

If you are a girl, flirt with Boy1, Boy2 and Boy3 but act as if you can't stand Boy4

If you are smart, flirt with no one, be a brother/sister to each individual and bitch about each one in their absence

If you are dumb, be yourself. More brownie points if you are a nice person. You will be voted off the show first

(Ignore this post if you are not an MTV Roadies fan. Others, tune in to MTV to catch the latest or check out the official site)

The best of April Fools' Day

No, I am not going to write some crazy story with a weird headline, get you engrossed and then spell out April Fool. I am taking the easy way out and giving you the links to some of the best April Fools' Day stories in the media.

Snacking Mugabe, flying penguins greet April Fools

Google does April Fools': 'Custom time' and a Mars trip

April Fool's: Best celebrity pranks

Top 10 April Fool's Day links

April Fool's Day, Russian style

All the news fit to print ... for fools

Happy Good Friday!!!

K: Happy Good Friday, Tony
Me: What?
K: I said Happy Good Friday
Me: Dude, Good Friday is not Happy Good Friday
K: But it's good, right?
Me: Ya, Jesus saved us from sin so it was kinda good for the world. But he was crucified too, remember?
K: But you call it Good Friday. And confuse the heck out of people
Me: Well, it's good because Christians believe Jesus died for people's sins. And when we remember his death more than 2000 years ago, we are inspired to lead better, sin-free lives
K: But he still died. That's a sad thing, isn't it?
Me: Ya, but sometimes good stuff can come from sad things
K: So why isn't Good Friday happy too?
Me: Are you ever happy when people die? The fact that Jesus died is sad but then Christians believe that good came out of it. But people are happy on Easter, when Jesus rose from the dead
K: So you are saying I can wish you Happy Easter but not Happy Good Friday
Me: Exactly
K: Does it offend Christians if I wish them Happy Good Friday
Me: Not really. It sounds weird though. But I guess you took the trouble to remember it's an important day for us, so I should be happy
K: So you can be happy on Good Friday?
Me: Well, not really. I am fasting today and you are eating icecream. How can that make me happy?

(This blog post was first published on 'Good Friday'- April 7, 2007)

Fashion Week in Delhi

Been busy with Delhi's fashion week this past week. It was a pain to sit through all the shows through five days - especially the bad ones. And there were plenty of them at Autumn/Winter 2008.

My personal favourite was the Tarun Tahiliani show - with qawwali numbers and a Kathak dancer - though it was more of drama than true-blue fashion.

And in case you were wondering, the audience didn't get to witness the "wardrobe malfunction" at the Rajesh Pratap Singh show.

Bollywood turned up, if not in full force, at least in enough numbers to keep the shutterbugs happy - Bipasha Basu, Minissha Lamba, Celina Jaitley, Zayed Khan, Soha Ali Khan.

Katrina Kaif looked awesome at Ashish Soni and Anamika Khanna's Finale on Sunday, though the show couldn't match Rohit Bal's Grand Finale at Spring/Summer 2007.

Here are some of the stories I did -
"Ecological" possum fur jackets on show in India
James Dean inspires designer at India fashion week
Mickey Mouse turns gladiator at India fashion week
'Dandy' Paris Hilton inspires India fashion week
Designers going green at India fashion week

In the photos below, designer Manish Arora poses with his gladiator models, views of the Pragati Maidan hall where the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week was held for the second time, and a Birla Cellulose seminar which turned out to be a no-show with the media preferring to watch models walking or "malfunctioning" on the ramp.

February 2008 Blog Mela

The Great Bong presents a day in the life of Jalaluddin Akbar

Arnold ponders the advantages of being gay

Krish Ashok speaks symbolically

And introduces the ten avatars of the Dark Lord of the Ad

Falstaff rewrites Hansel and Gretel

Bikkupedia remembers the good times spent at Appu Ghar

Mitali Saran goes channel surfing

Rahul Razdan engages in toilet humour

Jamshed V. Rajan wonders what life would be like in 2050

Aditya Kulkarni gives pointers on how to avoid doing household chores

That's all for now. The March Blog Mela returns early next month. But before leaving, do please vote for the best post in the February 2008 Blog Mela.

The best of February 2008 Blog Mela
	The Great Bong
	Arnold
	Krish Ashok - symbols
	Krish Ashok - avatars
	Falstaff
	Bikkupedia
	Mithali Saran
	Rahul Razdan
	Jamshed Rajan
	Aditya Kulkarni
pollcode.com free polls

Check out previous Blog Melas
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008

Did you just come across a quirky, interesting or something-that-tugs-at-your-heartstrings blog? If yes, feel free to nominate it for the March Blog Mela being hosted here on April 2



Blog Mela Rules
- Posts must have been written by Indians or have an Indian angle
- Only posts published between 1-31 March, 2008 would be accepted
- If possible, please nominate individual posts, not the whole blog
- Feel free to nominate something you have written. Immodesty appreciated
- You can nominate as many blog posts as you like - provided you really like them
- Only nominations received before midnight on April 2 will be featured
- No, you don't get any moolah for nominating or getting featured in the Blog Mela. That could change once I am a millionaire but for now you'll just have to bear with me
- Yours truly reserves the right to nominate good posts which you ignore

How to Nominate
- Leave a comment on this post OR better still - Mail me at toeknee (at) gmail (dot) com

Don't date that BPO babe

Rachel's my girl. She's Rachna by day, Rachel by night. Confused? Don't be. Rachna works in a call-center and Rachel is her westernised moniker for professional purposes.

Rachel's a pretty girl, very cosmopolitan. Intelligent to boot. And I wish I had never dated her. Think I am crazy? Well I have my reasons. In fact, 10 of them:

1) She is not Rachna anymore. Not even at home. She likes to be called Rachel all the time. I miss my girl.

2) While the world sleeps, Rachel awakens and… goes to work . And it's when I'm in my deepest slumber that she calls and insists on love talk. Neighbours raise their eyebrows and mouth words like 'loose morals'. After all, middle class morality says, no maiden from a respectable family goes gallivanting in the middle of the night. I don't care, she doesn't care, but I do wish she wouldn't keep sighing about the liberal West.

3) She practices her weird call-center accent on me. I mean, I love to be of help in her work, but now she seems to use it all the time. Believe me…that twang is really mind-blowing.

4) Rachel has got used to croissants, pasta and chocolate truffles. That's the kind of food at her workplace and it is free. But I have to foot the bill at restaurants she now wants to eat at.

5) Then she works off those calories at the office gym. So do the men at her workplace. Lately she has been eyeing the little roll around my middle with pronounced unhappiness. Me? Exercise? I'd rather live a loveless life.

6) She wants 23 roses on Valentine's Day - one more than Mary (once Meera) got. Plus a teddy bear, perfume, all branded. She spends hours shopping for it, I pick up the tab. I mean, Valentine's Day? Whoever heard of it?

7) She gave up Jagjit Singh for Robbie Williams. Threw out Shah Rukh and developed a crush on Enrique Iglesias instead. What if after marriage she decides she doesn't like a desi husband after all?

8) Weekend for Rachel is defined the American way. Work hard through the week and then party hard. I work hard during the week and then…work hard during the weekend. She wants to party, take in a film, live it up. I am pooped.

9) Rachel is due for promotion. She is good at what she does - transforming an irate customer into an affable pal in seconds. Problem: She treats me like one too. When I am a little miffed, she purrs: "How may I help you?'

10) This one's important. I am just not good enough any more. Last month, she dated a colleague with an equally jarring accent. And promptly had a crush on him. That's the third this year.

Still think I am crazy?

(Wrote this piece for The Times of India some years ago)

Dramatic monologue (Inside a DTC Bus)

Here's a little something that I wrote some years ago -

"Hey, lady! I don't even want to touch you. I didn't do it deliberately. You must realise that the bus is so crowded that I am bound to touch you if the driver applies the brakes.

This is a democracy. This is a public vehicle and I certainly will ride in it. If you don't want anybody to touch you, then please Miss hoity-toity, you could condescend to travel in your own Mercedes.

No, I am not being rude. You are being rude. Accusing me of being an eve-teaser and the like. As if falling on ugly fat girls inside a crowded bus is a preferred vocation.

Yes, you are ugly and fat. I am stating the obvious. If you call me a shameless vagabond, I have all the right to call you whatever I want to call you.

Yes, Scream and cry all you want. You have got the public on your side. Would be saviors of a defenseless Draupadi. These puny teenagers will not intimidate me. You don't know that I was Punjab Wrestling Champion three years in a row. They better not try messing with me - I am the real Hrithik Roshan of India.

All right! I will get off the bus. Listen lady, you haven't seen the last of me yet. Because of a few stupid females like you, being a man in this country is becoming a curse.

Ladies this! Ladies that! Adam is always wrong. Eve is divine. Ha! Injustice prevails and nobody says anything. Is there no one here to speak a word in my favor? I see - India will always remain the same. Never mind. I'll get even with you soon. Just you wait."

Murder he didn't commit

One of my recurring nightmares involves having my photos splashed across newspapers and TV channels as the face of a wanted murderer, rapist or thief.

The nightmare came true for a San Antonio man recently when a newspaper carried his photo as the suspect in a murder case.

One problem though - he was innocent.

A dog gets right to vote in India

Did you hear about the dog who made it to the electoral rolls in Nizamabad, Andhra Pradesh. This is so unfair, my name is usually missing in the voter list - now even canines have better luck. This country is truly going to the dogs.

One of my friends, a woman in her twenties, also had an identity crisis when she was listed as a 52-year-old male in the electoral rolls.

But what of the dog? Will the ballot papers of Nizamabad witness some paw prints? Will all the other dogs in India demand the inclusion of their names as well. And will we soon see dogs elected to Parliament?

As for the photo, is that a BJP symbol I see in the background?

Read full story here

I loved this quote by Nicky's owner Radhakrishna.

"I can understand that Nicky can be mistaken for a girl's name, but the name of Nicky's father is mentioned as dog. Would that not make the authorities check facts?"