Toe Knee Unplugged

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Dramatic monologue (Inside a DTC Bus)

Here's a little something that I wrote some years ago -

"Hey, lady! I don't even want to touch you. I didn't do it deliberately. You must realise that the bus is so crowded that I am bound to touch you if the driver applies the brakes.

This is a democracy. This is a public vehicle and I certainly will ride in it. If you don't want anybody to touch you, then please Miss hoity-toity, you could condescend to travel in your own Mercedes.

No, I am not being rude. You are being rude. Accusing me of being an eve-teaser and the like. As if falling on ugly fat girls inside a crowded bus is a preferred vocation.

Yes, you are ugly and fat. I am stating the obvious. If you call me a shameless vagabond, I have all the right to call you whatever I want to call you.

Yes, Scream and cry all you want. You have got the public on your side. Would be saviors of a defenseless Draupadi. These puny teenagers will not intimidate me. You don't know that I was Punjab Wrestling Champion three years in a row. They better not try messing with me - I am the real Hrithik Roshan of India.

All right! I will get off the bus. Listen lady, you haven't seen the last of me yet. Because of a few stupid females like you, being a man in this country is becoming a curse.

Ladies this! Ladies that! Adam is always wrong. Eve is divine. Ha! Injustice prevails and nobody says anything. Is there no one here to speak a word in my favor? I see - India will always remain the same. Never mind. I'll get even with you soon. Just you wait."

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Murder he didn't commit

One of my recurring nightmares involves having my photos splashed across newspapers and TV channels as the face of a wanted murderer, rapist or thief.

The nightmare came true for a San Antonio man recently when a newspaper carried his photo as the suspect in a murder case.

One problem though - he was innocent.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

A dog gets right to vote in India

Did you hear about the dog who made it to the electoral rolls in Nizamabad, Andhra Pradesh. This is so unfair, my name is usually missing in the voter list - now even canines have better luck. This country is truly going to the dogs.

One of my friends, a woman in her twenties, also had an identity crisis when she was listed as a 52-year-old male in the electoral rolls.

But what of the dog? Will the ballot papers of Nizamabad witness some paw prints? Will all the other dogs in India demand the inclusion of their names as well. And will we soon see dogs elected to Parliament?

As for the photo, is that a BJP symbol I see in the background?

Read full story here

I loved this quote by Nicky's owner Radhakrishna.

"I can understand that Nicky can be mistaken for a girl's name, but the name of Nicky's father is mentioned as dog. Would that not make the authorities check facts?"

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Give Sarkozy a break, he's a human being

So what if French President Nicolas Sarkozy got a bit testy when a man in the crowd at an agricultural fair refused to shake hands and told him to take his dirty hands off him.

If you were in Sarkozy's place, you would have traded some insults or even come to blows. As far as I can make out from the video, the man provoked Sarkozy. The president told him to get lost.

And later regretted the outburst.

But what of the unidentified man? He walked scot-free.

I was just wondering if the same thing were to happen in India. President Pratibha Patil would have remained silent, stunned by the stranger's temerity.

But her bodyguards would have roughed him up, and had him arrested. Or at least tortured him enough to make sure he didn't talk back even to his mother.

Democracy is okay, but that doesn't mean one can walk around insulting the president. Sarkozy replied in the heat of the moment, just like any normal human being. Give him a break - let him enjoy his trip to South Africa with Carla Bruni.

Aishwarya Rai pregnant - so what?

Bollywood beauty queen Aishwarya Rai Bachchan may or not be pregnant - but that isn't stopping thousands of fans from Googling her pregnancy status and arriving at my blog.

Well, I am not complaining but it would have been a better ego boost if people visited Toe Knee Unplugged for its content -- and not for news of the Bollywood actress.

And even if she is pregnant, why should you care? It's Abhishek Bachchan's baby. He''ll deal with it.

It's not as if anyone can hide this for long - if Aishwarya delivers, you will find TV channels broadcasting interviews with the doctors attending to her.

Don't worry, you'll get to know.

Last I heard, the actress told some news channel that motherhood had been put on hold for three years.

That's a pretty long wait but if you guys keep Googling the phrase "Aishwarya Rai is pregnant" and coming here, tarry a while and read the other stuff on this blog.

But if you really interested in stories like Bachchan astrologers sending Aishwarya Rai herbal pills for her pregnancy - you can go read this.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Let Deepika touch BBC's body - Shah Rukh Khan

I don't like attending press conferences by Shah Rukh Khan. You are likely to find yourself packed in a room with some 500 photographers, reporters and guests all clamouring for a dekko at the King Khan.

Now the Ballroom at Delhi's Oberoi hotel is pretty big but I still felt a bit claustrophobic when Khan dropped in earlier this week to promote a liquor brand's 'Don't Drink and Drive campaign'.

And the pretty reporter behind me wasn't helping matters by squealing "He's so sexy, I so want to take him home" whenever Khan smiled.

Clad all in black, the star had arrived on time (surprisingly) and was bombarded with questions on everything except the brand he had come there to promote.

One enthusiastic reporter was upset that actress Deepika Padukone had been denied the chance to be the first to touch Shah Rukh's six-pack abs for "Om Shanti Om".
Well, "feel your body" was how he put it, perhaps incorrectly quoting what Deepika had told BBC Radio in an interview.
Khan was nonplussed - at first.

"She should have told me. She never told me. If she tells BBC, she can touch BBC's body. If she tells me, she can touch my body."
Perhaps the inquirer still looked upset, for Khan looked him in the eye and asked, "You want to touch my body?"
When the laughter had died down and the reporter had stopped blushing, the barrage of questions continued. But Khan parried them with practised ease.

Why did you spend so much money on cricket's Indian Premier League?
"Maine jaha se kamaya mera tha, maine jaha lagaya meri marzi" (I earned it and it was mine to spend wherever I pleased)

There's already so much money in cricket..
"Aap ne gina hai?" (Have you counted it?)

Why you bought Kolkata team instead of Delhi where you grew up?
"I couldn't afford Delhi. That's why I left and went to Bombay. Delhi's very expensive."

Will you make a film based on the 'Don't Drink and Drive campaign'?
"Making a film on this topic? How will I make a three hour film in which I keep saying 'Don't drink! Don't drink! Don't drink!' - it will be weird...'Devdas' was based on drinking."

Is this campaign some kind of disaster management for your "no smoking" tiff with Health Minister Anbumani Ramadoss?
"It'll be really stupid of me if someone doesn't like me smoking to give him the message 'Don't drink'. I should be saying 'Don't smoke'."

Will your reel image prove a burden on your real life?
"It's not that when I walk on the streets, people think of me as drunk, smoker, vulgar, idiotic. In fact, when I come to Delhi, people say I am smart, handsome, educated, articulate and well-bred."

In "Chak de" and "Om Shanti Om", you had new girls working opposite you. Even in Aditya Chopra's project, he's searching for a new face - why don't our heroines want to work with you?
"Girls can't tolerate me for long. They get tired."

It's not that Khan wasn't serious at all - he also spoke at length about his "smoking" controversy, his injury years ago that forced him to give up sports for acting, his plans for building sports infrastructure in the country. But all that has been splashed across national newspapers.

But it's the little things that fans don't get to read or hear. Like how he scolded a reporter he spotted discussing something with a friend.
"Are you listening? You are chatting away there. Pay attention to me. Then you won't get confused."

Believe me, that poor girl was the only one not paying attention - the rest of the audience was hanging on to each of Khan's words. And for those of you who aren't convinced about the Bollywood star being the best ambassador for a 'Don't Drink and Drive campaign', here's what Khan has to say.

"I myself am not a hard liquor drinker. The hardest I drink is Pepsi on the rocks."

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Memories of Ahmedabad: A trip to Modi-land

A bustling market, trendy restaurants and gleaming marts welcome me as I step outside the Maninagar railway station in Ahmedabad, home turf of Gujarat's controversial chief minister Narendra Modi.

At first glance Maninagar, located in southern Ahmedabad, is no different from up-market areas in Delhi or Mumbai. But a few kilometres away hovels line the roads, stray cattle roam the alleys and little boys in rags chase runaway kites.

I have been hearing a lot about "vibrant" Gujarat and how Modi has brought development to its people.

Yes, there are Reliance Marts but I am not impressed.

Except maybe by the electricity situation here. It amazes me that there are no power cuts here - till I am told power has been privatised.

I am on one of my rare visits to Ahmedabad, the city of my birth - where my Malayalee grandfather had migrated in the early half of the 20th century. No, I am not conversant in Gujarati - my parents shifted lock, stock and barrel to New Delhi when I was five years old.

And the nursing home where I was born no longer exists, apparently burned down in one of the frequent communal clashes that hold the city and the state in a deathly grasp.

"It's good Modi has been re-elected," says my cousin wryly. "Christians and Muslims will be left alone for another five years."

I make my way to the market at Lal Darwaza, to a section populated mostly by Muslims. It's here that you get quality stuff - the best bedsheets are invariably found in shops owned by a Khan, Salim or Mohammad.

Shops here are burned and looted during riots, then re-built and re-stocked. Hiccups may come and go but life goes on as usual.

I hear shouts behind me and I turn to look - but it's only a bunch of unruly kids fighting over kites. It's Uttarayan festival here, the time when the Ahmedabad sky is replete with kites.

Kites in all possible hues are everywhere and Modi smiles at me from several of them. A little boy in a skull cap is happy wresting a Modi kite - I guess he doesn't care his prize catch flaunts the face of a man hated by most Muslims in the country.

As night falls, I walk down the main Maninagar street. And am surprised to see several women riding scooters even at 10 pm. It's like committing hara-kiri for a woman to go out alone in Delhi or Mumbai but my young cousins have no qualms venturing into deserted lanes at night.

Well, cases of rape and molestation (except during riots) may be fewer in Gujarat but it doesn't really mean the men here are saints.

"There are lechers around but they would think twice before molesting a headstrong Gujarati woman," explains my cousin.

But the autowalas here are really nice. They ply by the meter. Whether it's actually honesty or morals kept in check by local residents, I may never know.

And what of prohibition in the land of Mahatma Gandhi? Downing liquor in Gujarat is illegal and I was indeed impressed - until I saw a tramp walk home drunk.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year 2008

Contrary to popular opinion, I spent Christmas and New Year's Eve wrapped in a quilt watching reruns of blockbusters on HBO. My nose is as red as that of Rudolph - if not bigger - and when people clapped, slapped and generally behaved inappropriately at the stroke of midnight, I had been fast asleep for over an hour.

Have been lazy this year and my blog has been resuscitated in fits and spurts - but if I do make any resolution for 2008, it's just that you will see my blog fit, fine and active more often.

Toe Knee Unplugged wishes all its readers a smashin' New Year.

The best of Dec 2007 - Jan 2008 Blog Mela
	Krish Ashok 1
	Krish Ashok 2
	Falstaff
	India Uncut
	8 by 52
	Jabberwock
	The Compulsive Confessor
	Mitali Saran
	Suchitra Krishnamoorthi
	Rashmi Bansal
	None of the posts were that good

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